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I like talking, so much so that now I have both a Vlog AND a Blog. You're welcome, internet.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

B&E!!

It happened to me!...kind of.

That's correct! Hide your kids, hide your wives, and hide your husbands cause they raping errbody out here!

So one of my best friends Blair was staying with me in Calgary for a few days, and on his last evening there was quite the occurrence. It's two in the morning, I'm sound asleep in my bedroom, and all of a sudden I get a phone call from Blair in the living room.

"Dude, why are you calling me? You're right there." I said in a groggy manner. ( I'm going to tell this story as if it were a novel...maybe...haven't decided yet. )

" Well, I'm in my ginch, and I'm not wearing my leg right now. OH, and there is some woman walking around in your house right now, not sure if you know her or not but I can't see her and you should get out here. " He said, somewhat lengthily. ( Blair has a prosthetic leg, which is why he wouldn't wear it...maybe you guys should get a prosthetic FACE! )

Sure enough, I walk into my kitchen and turn the lights on, and there is this strange, possibly coked out, woman, AND SHE'S EATING MY FOODS! So I said what any man says when his house is being threatened.

" Uhhhh, Hi? Whatcha doin?" ( Yeah I said it, don't fuck with me! )
She tried to tell me that she was just hanging out with Blair... I called bullshit, on account of him telling me previously he had no idea who she was. Then she tried to tell me she was friends with the people downstairs, also a dirty, dirty lie. And after a few minutes of the weirdest conversation of my life, I finally got the psycho to leave my house out the door she came. (F.Y.I- it wasn't my door that was unlocked, but the downstairs tenants...don't worry mom I practice safety.)

And thus ends my adventure with the crazy lady...nuts right? BYE!

Drug addicts will suck your "soul" for money.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

He's Baaack

SURPRISE, COCKFAGS!

I has a compy! And what better way to usher in the dawn of my desktop, than to watch porn, pirate stuff, stare mindlessly at my facebook page for half an hour, AND THEN write a brand new blog!!

That is correct faithful readers...mom...mom, you still read this stuff right? I'M BACK! And yes I did make one mobile blog, but that took a really long time to do, and I hate texting. ( Writing that blog from my phone felt like I was just...texting the internet. When really Internet, you and I spend enough time together that we should be comfortable with phone conversations at this point. )

I hope having this desktop won't have an adverse effect on my athletic life, ( It will ) and I will be able to continue going to the gym on a regular basis ( I won't ). In fact, just to prove to myself that I can stay in shape, (  a lie ) I'm gonna go and stretch and do a core workout right now! ( Watch Asian porn and drink until I pass out in a big ball of shame...)

It's good to be back!...in my house...where I have always been, just without a comput-SHUT UP!!

Asian porn roves your soul!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

mobile blog?

Ladies and gentlemen I am taking this blog on the road! Ok, so I am still sitting inside my house, BUT I am blogging from my phone! This is actually quite time consuming to do, and will probably be shortish, but my lappy has finally had its final day.

Yes that is right, the laptop has finally gone the way of old yeller....in the sense that i took it out back and shot it. So no more web surfing for me ( goodbye, dear sweet pr0n ). And as I sit here, listening to Cher ( fuck you, shut up ) I am trying to find things to do with my hands. And that, interwebs, is how your uncle, mobile bloggy, was born...*sniff* isn't birth grand......fuck I hate babies.

Children crap all over your mobile soul
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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Alzheimer's and You

FUCK! Every damned day!

Oh hi there, Internet, how are you? I'm doing swell, it's my days off, and I have volleyball later today. You may find yourself asking, " Why the strange blog title? " Or, " What happens ' Every damned day ' ?" OR " How many licks does it REALLY take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" Well, to answer those, I'm forgetful and I forget something at work at least once a shift... OH and 237, but you're tongue starts to bleed and the sucker no longer tastes any good at that point...fucking cheating little owl only taking three licks. ( if you understand that reference than you get a gold star )

And what did Lance forget last night? His glasses, and i'm PRETTY blind too. It wasn't until about halfway driving home that a road sign for my exit was coming up and I realized, " Hey....I can't read that...I wonder wh-FUCK!"

So among the many errands I must run today, and apartment cleaning I must do, Now I also have to drive all the way to work to pick up my spectacles, whiiiiich I am going to do right now. KTHXBAI !

Alzheimer's makes you forget you have a soul

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Bored Bloggers Ballad

Twas early this evening, I'd nothing to do.
So I went to my basement, and saw the smitten two.
Magic was played, not by me, but by some.
We tried to watch football, but with both teams, we were done.

So the wife made a query, " Hey, how about some TV?
HIMYM is on? " and her man said, " Fine with me "
So we all took a scamper, and fetched ourselves mead,
then we watched a great story, filled with lust, love, and tweed.

But sadly, unlike me, the two must wake at dawn.
"Well, I'm off to bed." The man said, with a yawn.
And thus, here I sit. Up with you, dear sweet...net.
But the night is not over, I can still watch porn yet.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Goodbye Liquor...

Herro Interwebs,

Today is an important day for me, as it is the day that I say goodbye to alcohol. I know, I know, some of you only ever see me when we're drinking, and it pains me to say that I'll probably never see you again...huh....it didn't pain me to say that half as much as I thought it would. I have a new volleyball season starting tomorrow, and Wushu starts this weekend, so it is in my best interest to cut out the drinking out at the clubs and bars and house parties. ( Ok I don't really go to house parties, I hate them in fact, but now I REALLY won't be going to them. )

Now beer, I know you're thinking " But Lance, we've been so good together. Are you really just going to up and leave me??" Fear not, my liquid friend, I will still be able to have the evening beer with dinner or whilst I watch sports. It's just in public outings where I would normally drink you heavily that we can no longer be together, we'll be secret friends! Like with that hunchbacked kid at school!

Well, all goodbye's aside, I'm gonna go play at the gym.

Alcohol dulls your soul's reflexes.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

It's only gay if you make eye contact.

Herro Interwebs,
Today is Saturday, and a lovely one at that, but here I sit inside my house cleaning and blogging.( In that order, not that I feel the need to pay attention to dirt before you, sweet internets, I love you. ) I find myself a bit irked that I am spending my afternoon cleaning, when I could of been getting a freaking pedicure! After my shift ended last night, a couple of my servers conned me into going over for a couple of drinks. This turned into maany drinks, and in our drunken stupor we decided that we would all get pedicures today. ( awesome, right? HEY! YOU DON'T SEE ME JUDGING YOU, DO YA?! )

Now somehow we managed to stay up until six, watching people spill drinks, and then catching them with their mouth before they managed to fall to the floor. So when I finally fell asleep it wasn't until 13:00 that I woke up,( Fuck you I'm using 24 hour time, deal with it. ) only to find the house empty, save for one guy sleeping on another couch. Is it a little gay that I'm upset that noone woke me up to go get our footsies tended to?!?!
So I bailed, came home, and began cleaning. Thanks alot, you-know-who-you-are! And don't say you tried to wake me up, because while I can ( and have done so ) sleep through and earthquake, I'm sure a couple nudges would of had me up!

Pedicures scrape the calluses off of your soul.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Stupid things from Ignorant people! Volume 1

Hi everyone, I'm famed Assassin/Home Decorating phenom Lance Taylor, and I'm here to talk about nothing for absolutely no reason.

First on our agenda is a story from my workplace. I'm at work last night closing the bar, and onto the stereo comes Frank Sinatra's " Lady is a Tramp " ( a personal favorite of mine ). Now my cocktail server for the evening ( who can only be 3 or 4 years younger than myself ) says to me, " This song reminds of really old people wearing loafers in a gym or bingo hall, all shuffling around together " ( This might be paraphrased but it's pretty spot on.) I, being the take-no-guff man that I am, naturally jump to the Chairman's defense.Now after a few minutes of back and forth, civilized debate, we decide to bring a third party into the conversation. In comes another member of our younger staff, this one maybe a couple years + - myself. Now my given scenario for Frankie's song was simple, a nice jazz lounge with a piano based band on stage, possibly with a girl in a red dress sitting on the piano singing alongside. The new member of our debate, trying to please both of us, just takes the " bingo hall/loafers " scene, and changes it to a  " senior vacation destination/loafers "scene. Am I insane for being severely disappointed in our generation?

Stay tuned next week for " Why it's stupid when girls draw a moustache on their finger" !

Jazz music soothes the soul

Monday, August 22, 2011

Holy Nostalgia! A blog about nothing!

Herroooo Interwebs!

So here I am sitting in my living room, watching DOA the movie, yes Dead or Alive. Don't judge me, I was a fan of the video games!( Not the volleyball ones, though they did give me half a chub as a kid, but the fighting style games ) And I'm finding myself entertained, which kind of makes me sad.

Alright so this is the longest a blog has ever taken me, I keep pausing to freaking watch this horrible movie that I seem to be enjoying. It turns out they've found a way to incorporate the volleyball into this movie....one more sad face for this guy!

Aaand it's done, it has officially taken me the entire length of this movie to write this blog, the gratuitous violence and scantily clad women officially turned me into a tv zombie, so much so that I didn't even say anything this whole blog! Thanks for nothing, Internet!!! . ( And I thought I had more class than that )

Boobs distract your soul.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Something to do

I'm back bitches! ( mom you're not a bitch I don't know why I said that )

So I'm sitting in Lethbridge in my friends 'Studio' ( It's a basement ) While his band practices before their show tonight. And I thought " BLOG ! " I really enjoy their  music, but I needed something to keep my hands busy while they play. ( Normally if I listen to it at the bar I have a beer in my hands...and at home, well lets face it, there isn't a time when I'm at home when my hand ISN'T on my penis )

So tonight is the last night of my vacation, and I've never drank so much beer in one week in my life. That is probably a lie but it's less dramatic if I say " I've drank more beer in one week than I did this week probably 4 or 5 times in my life! " Got a whole lot of nothing done, spent a lot of money and TRIED...tried... to get some quizzes done for work, but the program wasn't working on my laptop, so I drank...heavily.

Alcohol inhibits your soul's reflexes